Today has been a big day for me. I made a huge step and i try to be proud of myself, even it's really hard. I just don't get it, why i need to be so insecure and feel qualm about everything i do? Now i just keep thinking "maybe you just imagine it again... you are a normal young adult and you are just looking for troubles, let's forget it and keep living your normal life". And it's kinda frustrating. But anyways, whatever voices in my head say, i went to docktor this morning who send me to psychiatrist. And finally i get pills which would help with my panic attacts... even those are strong enought to pass me out :D Maybe i avoid to take them when i'm working... i don't need anymore car accidents, thank you! And now i feel so vulnerable knowing there is one person who knows something about my dark side... it's scary but i hope it will help me. There was so difficult words to say aloud, too heavy for me, those things i have always kept inside. I think i should feel lighter but i don't. My heart is still heavy as a whale.
Because of docktor i had a day off today. I walked around downtown 'cause i didn't feel to be alone at home. But however now i've been sitting here playing with computer something like... 3 hours? Wow, maybe i have to think about having a life or something. This night it will be btw some Hobbit time again with Sinna the wife! It's Valentine and so on, so i guess we have admission to watch it once more? It'll be my 5th or 6th time but i just can't get enough of it! I really looooove Kili so much, too shame he's a dwarf. Because if i had a chance to be in Middle Earth with him (which i have), i'll be duoble of his lenght, and there is NO chance i'd be a dwarf. Do you know how hairy women dwarves are?
... and I really wouldn't like to be that hairy. I can always try to trust in old clishé: it's not the appearences, it's the inside that matters! And if i take Kili and Fili they could stand one on the other when i'll have one tall man! Problem solved.
I don't know how this came across my mind, but do you know what i'm really scared? Bees, yeah, more than anything but it's kinda boring because it's so girly thing to be scared. Besides that i scare water. Dark, deep water. I start hyperventilate when i even think about the ocean. Eww. I don't know why, it's just... something i don't know. Usually i like to do things which aren't familiar for me, but deep waters are nonono. And it's funny because i used to be competitive swimmer :D
And last thing: happy Valentine's Day to all you idiot's, i don't get it why you need a international day to remember you have love ones around you. You fools! Or then this is one of those "reason to get drunk-days", sounds better for me. Even i won't be drunk. I'll promise.
PS. There's some songs i listened while writing this. I love Manna's voice ♥
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